


Close Enough To Kill

by FictionalDaphne



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 21st Century, Background Natasha Romanov, Brief Mention of Natasha Romanoff - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, But Again What's New, First Slash Ever, Fluff but not fluff, Getting Together, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Romance, Songfic, Steve Rogers Feels, mention of murder, minor Natasha Romanov, steve loves bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 02:43:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2756606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionalDaphne/pseuds/FictionalDaphne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had taken 13 nightmares, 15 times of throwing up and 3 times of sobbing until he couldn’t breathe for Bucky to start talking with Steve.<br/>Bucky remembered. He remembered because he was taught to analyze the situation, weigh the possibilities and do the right call for the mission he was given.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close Enough To Kill

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Oh look at that, a slash pairing! :D First slash ever, I hope it's good :)  
> It's a song fic, "Close Enough To Kill" by Emily Browning, which screamed Stucky, so what could I do? :D  
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or songs!

It had taken 13 nightmares, 15 times of throwing up and 3 times of sobbing until he couldn’t breathe for Bucky to start talking with Steve.

Bucky remembered. He remembered because he was taught to analyze the situation, weigh the possibilities and do the right call for the mission he was given.

And to count.

Count the casualties.

Count the bullets.

Count the seconds.

_I knew him_.

Steve, on the other hand didn’t seem to count anything. He didn’t plan. Not when it came to him.

_Punk_.

“Buck?”

One breath. Two breath. Three breath.

“I’m not fine.” He croaked out, and turned his head to look at Steve. “I’m… dropping to the ground.

Steve shifted a little in the chair beside his bed, his blue eyes searching Bucky’s face as if hoping he would find the solution there, some tip to fix this, fix _him_.

_Tough shit_.

“I know.” Steve ended up saying “I know.”

_There goes consolation talk_.

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this_. Bucky thought _One of us was supposed to die. Not me lying in a bed, shaking from the nightmares and him holding my hand._

“We’ll find your solid ground.” Steve whispered, running a hand through his sweat drenched hair. “You hear, Buck? We’ll find you a solid ground where you can stand.”

 

**_If I let you in deep inside, I don't know if I can hang on_ **

**_To what I use to be,  I let it die_ **

**_Coil around me, its all yours_ **

 

It wasn’t easy. Steve had told him it wouldn’t be easy, joked about he should start making his own list, promising him he would let him copy his.

Bucky had sat down to make a list, then somehow, 58 seconds later, found himself digging at his finger with the pen until a blood drop came out.

Steve yanked the pen out of his hand

“Don’t.” he pressed a hankie to his finger “It’s fine if you don’t feel up to it.”

Bucky’s head snapped up and his eyes locked eyes with Steve’s.

_Warm. It was warm_.

_The tent, his breath, his insides…_

_“We don’t have to do it.” Steve breathed out to his lips, his voice strained “If you don’t feel up to it.”_

_“Does it feel like I don’t feel up to it?” He grinned, pressing his hardness to Steve’s palm “Stop being so fucking gentleman.”_

“It’s fine.” Steve insisted “Baby steps, okay? We’ll start out slow.”

 

**_This is what you came for, but you took so much more_ **

**_Much more than I can give_ **

**_This is what you came for_ **

**_Now it takes much more, much more for me to live_ **

 

“What if I’m never fixed?” Bucky asked Steve one night. They were watching some kind of TV show but Bucky couldn’t remember the name for his life. Steve turned to look at him, then back at the TV

“You will. I did.”

“Did you kill more than you can count?”

That was a lie, actually. Bucky memorized the body count.

13.321, civilians excluded.

Steve gulped,

“That wasn’t you, Buck.” He muttered, now turning to look at him properly “No one can hold you responsible.”

“I can.”

“You shouldn’t.”

Bucky searched his eyes for a sign of lying, but everything about Steve, from his posture to his glances screamed honesty.

“I should.” Bucky mumbled, then turned his glances to TV again.

 

**_Close enough to fall and die, close enough to thrill me_ **

**_Close enough to crawl deep inside keep me close enough to kill_ **

 

“Aren’t you scared of me at all?” Bucky asked Steve in a sunny Sunday afternoon, making him look up from his book.

“What?”

“Aren’t you scared of me at all?” Bucky repeated and Steve pulled his brows together, as if the mere thought was absurd

“Why would I be scared of you?”

“I can kill you in your sleep.” Bucky said “Or in mine.”

Steve shrugged and returned to his book.

Bucky waited approximately 14 seconds to decide he wouldn’t answer.

“Your giant flying plate can’t help you while you’re asleep, now to think of it.”

The corner of Steve’s lips twitched, but he managed to suppress the smirk

“It’s called a shield, jerk.”

“Punk.”

 

**_You came into my world and I let you take it all down_ **

**_On the ground where you taught me how to crawl_ **

**_Hold me still hold me still takes so much to fill_ **

**_Hold me still now keep me close enough to kill_ **

 

“Buck do you remember-“ Steve stopped himself and Bucky put the newspaper down

“What?”

“Never mind.” Steve shook his head “I- uh… It was stupid. Never mind.”

“Do I remember what?”

Steve gulped, and looked down to drag a finger on his shield, then shrugged

“What we…” he paused “Uh- what we used to be like?”

Bucky shot him a quizzical look

“How we used to be in, lets say, the tent, when…” he cleared his throat “When we were in there.”

Bucky’s eyebrows rose in a suggestive manner and he snorted.

“Oh, you remember.” Steve said, nodding “Good. Good.”

One second. Two second-

“Wanna reminisce?”

Shit, that came out more direct than he had thought it would, and due to the fact that Steve looked like deer in highlights, unexpected.

“No-“ Steve said “No I would never- I mean not that you didn’t-“ he took a deep breath “Not yet, Bucky.”

“Eventually?”

Steve nodded “Eventually.” He repeated “When you heal.”

 

**_This is what you came for boy you took so much more_ **

**_Much more then I can give_ **

**_This is what you came for now it takes so much more_ **

**** **_Much more for me to live_ **

 

“Natasha says you should go out.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, but stayed silent

“She jokes about taking us to Smitsonian-“

“No.” Bucky shook his head “No.”

“Why not? You could use a little sunshine.”

“I don’t need some museum to remind me who I used to be.”  His voice came out harsher than he had intended

“Bucky-“

“Nyet!”

Steve paused only for a second at Bucky’s slipping into Russian, then sipped his drink

“Okay.”

“It’s just…” Bucky drummed his fingertips on the table “Here’s safer.”

Steve reached out to place his hand over his metal one, but Bucky’s hand automatically clenched into a fist. Steve ignored him, and squeezed his metal hand assuringly, a smile pulling at his lips

“Everywhere is safe, Buck.” He said gently “Here, and outside.”

Bucky felt like pulling his hand back, but tried to resist the urge and shrugged

“We really don’t have to get out anyways, the weather forecasters said it’s gonna rain today.” Steve stated.

It didn’t rain for 3 days.

It didn’t matter, really.

****

**_Close enough to fall and die, close enough to thrill me_ **

**_Close enough to crawl deep inside, keep me close enough to kill_ **

****

Only after 24 nightmares, 20 times of throwing up, 5 times of crying and 13.321 dead bodies later, Steve kissed him like he did in the tent.

It took approximately two seconds after he pulled back for Bucky to smile.


End file.
